At last, my PERFECT match!

Yeah, don’t get too excited. Even I couldn’t say that with a straight face.

I’m still going through the motions on OkStupid, mostly for the blog material, even going so far as to re-write my profile hoping to provoke some interesting responses. Here’s the latest version:

I need to get laid.

There. Do I have your attention? Great!

Now, before you get too excited, this is in no way an invitation for every testosterone-laden, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing Neanderthal within a 50 mile radius to send me an instant message attempting to convey the sheer magnitude of his horniness while typing the fewest number of keystrokes possible. I am not some brainless bimbo unworthy of your respect and courtesy. I am not easy. Most importantly, I’m not *just* looking to get laid.

I want the whole shebang. (Yes, the word “bang” is in there. Calm down.)

I want a man who will be the Mulder to my Scully…the Rick to my Lori…the Brad to my Angelina…the Christian to my Anastasia…the Kermit to my Miss Piggy…the Fred to my Wilma (holy crap, who knew her maiden name was Slaghoople???!!!???)…the Bert to my Ernie…um…I mean the Ernie to my Bert…ok, that last one doesn’t work, but anyway, I’m sure you get the idea. I want it all. Love, trust, honesty, respect, friendship, companionship, and frequent hot, sweaty, in-the-middle-of-the-living-room-floor-because-you-just-can’t-wait-until-you-get-to-the-bedroom sex.

What? Yes, of course all with the same person. Geez.

Now, I’m not an idiot. I realize that these types of things don’t happen overnight, and you have to kiss a few (hundred thousand) frogs before you find that proverbial prince. Don’t be afraid that I’m going to have towels monogrammed with our initials just because we have one great first date. That being said, however, if you aren’t at least open to and interested in finding that kind of a relationship with someone, thanks for stopping by, have a great day, feel free to click on over to the next profile.

If what I described above *does* sound good to you (and you’re still awake), by all means, read on.

A little bit about me:
I am a sarcastic smart-ass (are they the same thing?) 98.9% of the time. (If you do not like/get/appreciate sarcasm, you will want to strangle me within 20 minutes of meeting me. Since I would prefer non-strangulation, it’s probably best that you click the “back” button now and choose another profile.) I’m left-handed. You know what *that* means, right? (Ha. It doesn’t actually mean anything. I just wanted to see if you were paying attention. ) I’m a little bit of a grammar/spelling nazi, so if you email or IM me and say something like, “Hi, how ru? Ur hot” I will probably ignore you. Unless I think you’re really hot, and then I might be willing to overlook your illiteracy, but if that’s the case, by God you’d better have nice teeth and all of your hair…or nice hair and all of your teeth.

I’m rarely serious (if you haven’t figured that out by now, we have a problem…) and can find humor in almost any situation. I don’t do drama or games, and don’t have any crazy exes hanging around. If I don’t feel like you’re truly interested in getting to know anything more about me than my bra size, I will lose interest quickly. I will not chase after anyone who is not chasing after me in return.

Let me just put this out there now – weight-wise I am not yet where I want to be, but I go to the gym 3-4 times per week, and work with a personal trainer once a week, so it’s only a matter of time. My photos are all from within the last year, and I probably weigh about 15-20 pounds less than I did when that full-length photo of me was taken. I’m down about 50 pounds total so far, so I feel confident in saying that I will get there. I’d love to have a workout buddy.

A little bit about you:
Physically you’re taller than me, have an athletic build (yes, I’m a hypocrite – I’m not going to apologize for liking what I like!), and are probably clean-shaven. You’re smart, SINGLE, sexy as hell, and a bit of a smart-ass yourself. You’re a non-smoker. You appreciate a good bottle of wine or a few beers now and then, but you’re certainly not putting away a 12-pack by yourself every evening.

Witty banter is what it’s all about – and if you’ve got it, I’ll be putty in your hands. You’re confident without being arrogant, direct without being pushy, and most importantly, you’re probably the *only* guy who actually kept reading past the words “I need to get laid”.

Yes, I realize that was at least 400 words longer than War and Peace. Get over it.

Anyway, I recently received an email from a gentleman (and by “gentleman” I really mean “jerk”) who read all that and honestly thought, “So…when’s the last time you got laid?” was the best way to start a conversation with me. I replied back, “If that’s your best opening line, it could use some work.”

He then proceeds to tell me that if I were to consider taking up smoking, we’d be a perfect match. Me being, well…me, I took that as a challenge and headed over to his profile to view this perfect match o’mine. Um. No. Not so much.

As he already alluded, he is a smoker. I am not, never have been, never will be. Physically he was ok, but not really my cup of tea. I wasn’t seeing anything that set off sparks, and when that’s the case, he’d better have a kick-ass personality, or I’m not going to be interested. I read his whole profile, and again, it was ok, but nothing really jumped out and grabbed my attention. Wondering what on earth made him think we’d be “perfect” for each other, I started to read the Questions section.

OkStupid encourages its users to answer as many of these ridiculous multiple choice questions as they can stomach, and rates your compatibility with other people based on how you each answered the questions as well as how much importance you place on the other person’s answer. This guy and I gave answers that led me to believe we would not only NOT be perfect for each other, but would in fact probably want to punch each other in the face not long after meeting, should we ever be so unlucky as to run into each other on the street.

He specifically answered a pet question by saying he dislikes cats, while I state plainly on my profile that I have two of the furry demons. He says that he enjoys discussing politics, where I say that it bores me and I want nothing to do with it. He doesn’t like camping. Or taking a walk. Or enjoying nature. I like all 3.

Now, those things alone aren’t really deal-breakers, but some of the answers he gave downright annoyed me.

Question 1: Do you believe contraception is morally wrong?
His answer: Yes – and he added the explanation, “The person concerned about contraception should take care of contraception.”
So my problem with this question is twofold. First, it seems like maybe he doesn’t understand what “morally” means. Second, um…what??? It would seem to me that *both* parties should be concerned about contraception, because otherwise that would imply that you’re ok with making a baby. It’s my responsibility because I’m the one who would get knocked up? Really?

Question 2: Is it possible for full-figured (not fat) women to be equally attractive as thinner women?
His answer: No.
Um…hey asshole, did you look at my pictures?

Question 3: You find out that a romantic prospect of yours comes from a broken family. Does this lower your view of them?
His answer: Yes. He/she is likely to have weak family values.
Really? Because my parents divorced when I was 11, I have weak family values? What about the fact that YOUR PROFILE SAYS YOU ARE MARRIED???

So as you can see from just those few answers, his idea of what defines a perfect match and mine are worlds apart. Galaxies, even. But…it gives me something to blog about. 😉