Category: Rants


Left-handed, blond Capricorns Untie! is currently seeking a full-time, experienced translator for assistance in translating both written and verbal communications from men in the online dating community into language that can be easily understood by rational people (a.k.a. “women”).

Candidate should be fluent in Manspeak, and should have a minimum of 3-5 years experience deciphering just what the fuck men are talking about when they say things like, “I had a great time” and “we should do this again.”

As part of the application process, interested candidates should complete and submit their interpretation of the following scenario along with their salary requirements to eight6753oh9_70@yahoo.com. (The job doesn’t actually pay anything, but I think it will be amusing to read your salary requirements.)

A man and a woman email back and forth for a couple of weeks, sometimes multiple times per day. They meet in person for the first time and spend 3 1/2 hours together having dinner, dessert and conversation. At the conclusion of the evening, the man tells the woman, “I had a good time. We should do this again.” What he really means is:

a) I had a good time. We should do this again sometime.
b) I want to have sex with you. Take off your clothes. Now.
c) I can’t stand you. We should never speak again.

Please select the letter that most closely resembles your answer, and explain – in essay form – why you believe this to be the correct answer.

Yeah, you. You know who you are. And so do I. Ever heard of an IP address?

Anyway, I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for your feedback. I have a few comments of my own for you.

  1. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
  2. Why would you care what I wrote, unless you ARE the person about whom I wrote? If you are that person, then you know that I didn’t start the name-calling – that was all you, babe. You insulted my weight and my intellect several times, and then blocked me so that I couldn’t reply. Even once I was blocked, and couldn’t “hurt” you anymore, you continued to send a few more nasty messages my way….and the filth you spouted at me was way worse than the “douche” you were called in response.
  3. If you’re going to go to the trouble to correct my spelling (and if you’d bothered to check, you’d know that either ‘Neanderthal’ or ‘Neandertal’ are acceptable variations of the word), then perhaps you should also examine your own writing. I’m pretty sure it should actually read as “mother-fucking, pathetic cunt.” You forgot to separate your adjectives with a comma.

Thanks for reading! Have a great day!

Debit or Credit?

This has been bugging the crap out of me for some time, so I thought I would put the question out there and see if anyone can give me some sort of a reasonable explanation. Does anyone else think that the number of buttons you have to push to make a credit card purchase in a retail establishment is ridiculous?

Here’s what I mean. I’m at the register, making a purchase. I slide my card, and a number of choices come up: Credit, Debit, Cash, Gift Card, Food Stamps, Wooden Nickels, Goats…whatever payment options are accepted by the store, Credit and Debit are always among them, right? I select Credit. In nearly every store in which I have ever shopped, the machine then proceeds to ask me for my PIN. I am then forced to try and decipher where on this particular machine the “No, Asshole, it’s a Credit Card, there is no PIN” button can be found. If I am lucky enough to not push the button that cancels the entire transaction (I have been known to do this by mistake a time or twelve), I’m THEN asked to confirm that I wish to proceed as a Credit transaction before finally being allowed to sign for my canned squid and tampons and get the hell out of there.

I just don’t get it. If I select Credit as opposed to Debit in the first place, why can’t we just skip all the dramatics and go right to the signature part? Why ask me to make the distinction if you’re still going to make me jump through the hoops? Who writes the software for these machines? People who suffer from Dependent Personality Disorder? Men with commitment issues?

Can anyone explain this to me, please?

Well, I gave it 3 months. If it were free, I may have stuck it out for a little longer, if for nothing else than the amusement of my friends at work, but since it was on my dime, I can no longer justify spending the cash. I mean, if I want to waste time writing clever emails that no one ever replies to, I have family members who I can write to for free…or hey, I can blog.

That would have to be my main issue with match.com – that 9 times out of 10 (or more accurately, 99.999 times out of 100) the person you’ve written to does not bother to respond. I’ve ranted about this before, so I don’t want to run over the dead horse with my Jeep, but come on guys, it’s rude. I can take it if you’re not captivated by my beauty, charm and sparkling wit, but geez, am I not even worthy of a “thanks, but no thanks”? I’ve read through the match.com Terms of Use, and nowhere in there does it say that replying to an email equates to a marriage proposal, so I really don’t get what the big deal is in acknowledging someone who took the time to let you know that they think YOU seem like a pretty great person. Or you at least look like you might be good in the sack.

Another one of my match.com pet peeves would have to be the stunning lack of originality I’ve seen in the crafting of profiles. This is not to say that I haven’t read ANY good ones at all, but those gems are few and far between. Here are just a few things I’ve read in way too many profiles in the last 3 months:

  • “I’m an easy-going guy…” or “I’m a laid-back guy…” – Well, duh – who in their right mind is going to admit to being an uptight a-hole with intimacy issues?
  • “My friends would say that I am (handsome, loyal, honest, trustworthy…whatever)…” – Of course your friends would say good things about you – otherwise, what the hell are you friends with them for? I wanna know what your enemies say about you.
  • “I’m looking for someone who is drama-free” – Really? But I thought all guys wanted to have a high-maintenance, control freak bitch for a girlfriend. Say it ain’t so…
  • “I’m always up for making new friends…” – Bullshit – if that were the case, what would’ve been the harm in replying to my email?

Alongside the “no originality” profiles, we also have the “no effort whatsoever” profiles. These are the ones where there is no photograph (c’mon guys, looks may not be everything, but I’d like to at least see that you’re not more effeminate than I am), the narrative consists of one or two sentences (I am a man. I would like to meet a woman), and none of parameters have been filled out. So basically, I know nothing about you, and you don’t seem to have any particular interest in knowing anything about me. Does this kind of profile actually appeal to any woman?

If I haven’t managed to offend everyone who’s traveled over from match.com to read this blog yet, I’m going to offer a little unsolicited advice when it comes to composing your profile:

  • Be original. Don’t be over the top, looney-tunes crazy, but don’t write the same boring things that every other man on the site is writing, either.
  • Write enough that the reader is able to get at least a little bit of a sense of who you are, but don’t write so much that there’s nothing left to talk about in future conversations (or that the reader has to take a bathroom break in the middle of reading your profile).
  • Spell-check is your friend. Use it.
  • With regards to pictures:
    • Post a main photo. I know you’d like to think that Ms. Right doesn’t care what you look like, and heck, ultimately that may be true, however…with the internet being the anonymous place that it is, I need to know that I’m not corresponding with the creepy guy who lives next door with all the cats, or with my boss’ husband. We need to know what you look like.
    • If you’re going to post a grainy picture of you with all of your male friends, be sure to indicate in the caption WHICH ONE IS YOU. I can’t tell you how many pictures I’ve seen where there are 6 similar-looking men with their arms around each other hamming it up for the camera, and I’ve had no earthly idea who I was supposed to be looking at. That way you can avoid having to say, “Uh, no, I’m the one in the middle,” after a lady has emailed you to say, “Are you the guy on the far right? You’re gorgeous! Let’s meet!”
    • Why are you showing me a picture of the Grand Canyon (or any other exotic location) with no humans in it? What does that have to do with the matter at hand? This isn’t facebook or flikr…don’t post your vacation pictures here.
    • Along those same lines, why are you showing me a picture of your (boat, car, truck, motorcycle)? Are you looking for a gold-digger?
    • If you’re athletic, I understand that you want to show that by posting photos of yourself doing…athletic things. But if you’re wearing a mask or a helmet, and the picture is taken from 50 yards away so that there is no earthly way to tell that it is you – why bother posting that picture of you skiing down Mt. Kilimanjaro or kayaking down Niagara Falls? The purpose of the match.com photograph is to show what you look like. If it could be any random person, why post it?
    • Last, but not least – am I the only one who gets annoyed when I see that someone has 5 pictures posted, only to find that all 5 pictures are the exact same pose where you take your own picture in the bathroom mirror? If they’re all essentially the same thing, just post one of them.

Like I said, that’s just my 2 cents after spending 3 months reading profiles. I don’t want to offend anyone who reads this and realizes that I’ve just described their profile to a T (ok, well, maybe I do just a little bit). Besides, what do I know…it’s not like my profile scored a lot of action either…lol…

~Jen