Tag Archive: match.com


Ok, so apparently I haven’t blogged since October. My bad. Uh…I’ve been busy?

Yeah, I know, that’s no excuse. As I recently told someone who tried the “I’m busy” line on me, “If you’re interested and want to keep the connection going, you would make the time, busy or no, even if it’s just a quick email or text to say hello. The more likely answer is that you’re just not that into me.” So there you have it, Reader, I guess I’m just not that into you.

Or maybe I’m just too damned lazy to blog.        <—-Folks, I think we have a winner!

Anyway…

As you may recall, match.com rewards those not fortunate enough to meet someone on their site in 6 months with…wait for it…6 more free months on their site. Yay! I happen to be one of these unlucky souls, and am currently in month 5 of my free 6 months. Thankfully, my year of torture will be up in June, and I can go back to ramming my shopping cart into unsuspecting men in the produce section of the grocery store to try and score dates. It has to be easier than this.

I pretty much figured out awhile ago that my ideal man wouldn’t be caught dead on an online dating site anyway – oh no, he’s much too busy being a decorated Navy SEAL by day, and saving puppies and kittens from burning buildings in his spare time…that is, when he’s not playing his guitar and singing me soulful love songs (hey, this is my fantasy, so just let me have it, will you?)…so, my profiles of late have taken a decidedly sarcastic turn, as I don’t really care at this point whether they generate any interest or not.

None of my friends really cared for my last profile all that much, which started out something like, “43-year-old bitter, sexless drama queen seeks angry, uptight a-hole for romantic, moonlit walks in the graveyard interspersed with drunken bouts of domestic violence,” and went from there, so I’ve decided to make them all happy, and upload a rewrite. Let me know what you think:

Ok guys, who’s up for a little pre-screening quiz? Please submit your answers to the questions below via email, so that I can get to know a little bit about you and the kind of partner you will be. Feel free to ask any questions that you may have as well. *Bonus points if your answers can make me snort my beverage out my nose.*

1. When it comes to sex, what is your “motto”?

a. “Every man for himself”
b. “Fake it ‘til you make it”
c. “Ladies first”
d. Other: ___________

2. What is your favorite movie genre?

a. Boring Foreign Films – the more subtitles the better!
b. Action/Adventure
c. Porn
d. Other:___________

3. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why?

a. The ability to see through clothing – for obvious reasons
b. The ability to make women undress with the power of my mind – again, for obvious reasons
c.  Invisibility – this one’s not too difficult to figure out, either
d. Other:___________

4. In the event of a Zombie Apocalypse, I need to know that you’d make a valuable addition to my group. What would you consider to be your most impressive survival skill?

a. I can take out a zombie from 20 yards with nothing more than a rubberband and banana
b. I would fight to the death to protect you from the other post-apocalyptic survivors who are desperate to steal our supplies
c. I have a 10-year supply of liquor, chocolate and condoms stored in my basement that I’d be willing to share with just the right person
d. Other:___________

5. You wake up one Sunday morning to find a large, multi-legged insect clinging to the ceiling directly over our bed. You would:

a. Quickly and quietly slip from the room without waking me, leaving me to fend for myself
b. Shriek like a little girl and pull the covers over your head, begging and pleading with me to “SAVE ME FROM THE MONSTER!”
c. Carry me to safety before returning to the room to slay the demon
d. Other:___________

6. Our favorite TV shows air on the same day of the week, at the same time. We’re on our way out for the evening when we realize there is only enough room on   the DVR to record one of the shows. Whose show should be the one to get recorded?

a. We’ll flip a coin – it’s only fair
b. You would graciously offer to record my show, saying that it’s not a big deal, and you’ll catch yours on a re-run, knowing this would score you points and you’d probably get lucky later. Meanwhile, you surreptitiously watch your show on your iphone during dinner, hoping I don’t notice
c. You fake an illness at the last minute, so that you can stay home and watch your show while mine records.
d. Other:____________

7. Please complete the following phrases IN YOUR OWN WORDS:

a. A bird in the hand is worth __________
b. Don’t put all your eggs __________
c. Give a man enough rope ___________
d. If at first you don’t succeed, __________
e. It ain’t over ‘til __________

***********************
Someone recently told me that he got the impression I’m happy with my life the way it is, and that we wouldn’t make a good romantic match because of it. It appears that in my effort to not come across as desperate, needy and lonely, which I think would be a turn-off for anyone, I instead came across as not wanting the changes that someone new would bring. While it’s true that my life is pretty quiet at the moment, that’s mostly because I am lacking a partner to get out there and do the fun things with. I mean, who wants to go cow tipping alone? Those things are heavy! My point is, while I’m not deliriously happy at the moment, I’m content, and willing to wait for the right person. He doesn’t have to be perfect, he just has to be perfect for me. Send me an email, and let’s see…

So there you have it. My latest match.com masterpiece. So far all it’s gotten me is an instant message from some idiot in DC who wanted me to drive down there and have sex with him. I mean, for God’s sake, if you’re going to proposition me, at least be a gentleman and offer to meet me halfway.

…I just can’t hold it in.

Wow. Have you ever heard anything so romantic in your life? I know I haven’t. *Sigh*

Anyway, you may be wondering, “Hey, what’s with the obnoxiously cheesy (and borderline revolting) pick-up line, Jen?” Well. I initially logged on to tell you all about my date tonight, but…before I get to that, I though I’d first fill you in on one of my other recent Match.com adventures, the Stir Event.

Apparently Match.com has decided that it isn’t enough to simply feed all of our information into their ginormous database, and “scientifically” spit out a list of people who are ideal for you, allowing you to then sift through and send emails (for a small fee) to the ones who strike your fancy. Now, they’ve branched out into the real world, with their so-called “Stir Events”. These events can vary from wine tasting parties to cooking classes to unscripted and unformatted happy hours at local area bars. Match sends out invitations to a select group of people that they perceive to be compatible, and whomever signs up can go. The event that I signed up for was a free happy hour event at an oyster bar in Baltimore.

First of all, I believe calling it a “Stir” event may be a misnomer. To me, the act of stirring implies, well, stirring. Movement. Some sort of action. This event involved packing a large number of supposedly single people into a small number of square feet in the upstairs loft of the bar. While the idea of sardines in a can works with the whole fishy “oyster bar” theme, it doesn’t really make for comfortable mingling. Or moving. Or breathing.

Second, the woman to man ratio was probably a good 6 or 7 to 1. Good for you guys, but not so good for us girls. Maybe I should revisit the idea of moving to Alaska after all. Much better dating odds there for the fairer sex, or so I’ve heard. Too bad I hate cold weather.

My third issue with this event had to do with the selection of people that Match.com  chose to bring together, but also elected not to disclose until you arrived at said event. The beauty of online dating (in the beginning at least, while it is still online) is that if someone “approaches” you through an email that you just find completely unappealing, you don’t have to worry about keeping an impassive look on your face while you politely turn them down. You can just sent a sweet little, “thanks, but no thanks” email and be on your way. No one ever has to see the complete look of disgust on your face as you think to yourself, “Really? A 4’9″ octogenarian who lives in a nursing home and refers to his pet rocks as his children? Is this the best I can do?” With this event, everyone is there for the same reason, and they’re all checking each other out. The smell of desperation was in the air. I found myself afraid to look around, because you never knew when you might accidentally make eye contact with the wrong person, like the David Leisure wannabe with the slicked-back hair and tweed jacket. (Played Charley Dietz on Empty Nest in the late 80’s and Joe Isuzu in the Isuzu commercials in the early 90’s. If you aren’t old enough to remember either of these, first of all, BITE ME, and second, google him to see exactly what I mean. This guy could be his first cousin.)

I made the mistake of locking eyes once with this gentleman, and the blatant head-to-toe ogling I received still makes me want to go and take a shower, over a week later.

The idea behind the events is a good one, I think, but needs a little retooling. A more comfortably-sized venue for the number of people attending for starters. A sneak peek at the guest list would be nice, as well, because if no one that I’m interested in meeting is going to be there, why should I waste my time?

OH, and I almost forgot – the cheesy pick-up line. I took my friend Nancy with me as my wing-man (wing-woman?), and like any good wing-person, she came prepared to help out her socially retarded friend (namely me) by bringing a WRITTEN LIST of pick-up lines. While the list didn’t actually help me in my quest, it did give us some good laughs.

Anybody still with me? No? Is that the chirping of crickets that I hear? Oh, well, that’s too bad, I was finally getting around to talking about tonight’s date. I’m afraid I can’t give away too many details, though…first, because the judge has issued a gag order, and second, because this guy is smart enough to have figured out the clue to my blog address that I snuck into my match.com profile. (Unlike one idiot who emailed me and said, “I must be stupid, I can’t figure out what that means.” Yes, dear, I agree. Thanks for saying it first.) So, all you’re going to get, my friends, are some bullet points highlighting this evening’s dinner, in no particular order.

  • no pants
  • missing teeth – MANY missing teeth
  • chairs on wheels
  • banging dishwashers
  • chicken parmesan
  • a what? a hoagie?
  • the coveted headset
  • duct tape and ball gags
  • sweetie, honey, baby
  • a fork in a glass
  • and, lest I forget…minivan

Is anyone else as turned on as I am right now? (Mom, if you just said yes, please, please, please keep that to yourself. I’ve managed to go 42 years without needing therapy. I’d like to keep it that way.)

A …thank you. I had a great time. 😀

(and we both know what that A stands for, don’t we Sweetie?)

Well, I gave it 3 months. If it were free, I may have stuck it out for a little longer, if for nothing else than the amusement of my friends at work, but since it was on my dime, I can no longer justify spending the cash. I mean, if I want to waste time writing clever emails that no one ever replies to, I have family members who I can write to for free…or hey, I can blog.

That would have to be my main issue with match.com – that 9 times out of 10 (or more accurately, 99.999 times out of 100) the person you’ve written to does not bother to respond. I’ve ranted about this before, so I don’t want to run over the dead horse with my Jeep, but come on guys, it’s rude. I can take it if you’re not captivated by my beauty, charm and sparkling wit, but geez, am I not even worthy of a “thanks, but no thanks”? I’ve read through the match.com Terms of Use, and nowhere in there does it say that replying to an email equates to a marriage proposal, so I really don’t get what the big deal is in acknowledging someone who took the time to let you know that they think YOU seem like a pretty great person. Or you at least look like you might be good in the sack.

Another one of my match.com pet peeves would have to be the stunning lack of originality I’ve seen in the crafting of profiles. This is not to say that I haven’t read ANY good ones at all, but those gems are few and far between. Here are just a few things I’ve read in way too many profiles in the last 3 months:

  • “I’m an easy-going guy…” or “I’m a laid-back guy…” – Well, duh – who in their right mind is going to admit to being an uptight a-hole with intimacy issues?
  • “My friends would say that I am (handsome, loyal, honest, trustworthy…whatever)…” – Of course your friends would say good things about you – otherwise, what the hell are you friends with them for? I wanna know what your enemies say about you.
  • “I’m looking for someone who is drama-free” – Really? But I thought all guys wanted to have a high-maintenance, control freak bitch for a girlfriend. Say it ain’t so…
  • “I’m always up for making new friends…” – Bullshit – if that were the case, what would’ve been the harm in replying to my email?

Alongside the “no originality” profiles, we also have the “no effort whatsoever” profiles. These are the ones where there is no photograph (c’mon guys, looks may not be everything, but I’d like to at least see that you’re not more effeminate than I am), the narrative consists of one or two sentences (I am a man. I would like to meet a woman), and none of parameters have been filled out. So basically, I know nothing about you, and you don’t seem to have any particular interest in knowing anything about me. Does this kind of profile actually appeal to any woman?

If I haven’t managed to offend everyone who’s traveled over from match.com to read this blog yet, I’m going to offer a little unsolicited advice when it comes to composing your profile:

  • Be original. Don’t be over the top, looney-tunes crazy, but don’t write the same boring things that every other man on the site is writing, either.
  • Write enough that the reader is able to get at least a little bit of a sense of who you are, but don’t write so much that there’s nothing left to talk about in future conversations (or that the reader has to take a bathroom break in the middle of reading your profile).
  • Spell-check is your friend. Use it.
  • With regards to pictures:
    • Post a main photo. I know you’d like to think that Ms. Right doesn’t care what you look like, and heck, ultimately that may be true, however…with the internet being the anonymous place that it is, I need to know that I’m not corresponding with the creepy guy who lives next door with all the cats, or with my boss’ husband. We need to know what you look like.
    • If you’re going to post a grainy picture of you with all of your male friends, be sure to indicate in the caption WHICH ONE IS YOU. I can’t tell you how many pictures I’ve seen where there are 6 similar-looking men with their arms around each other hamming it up for the camera, and I’ve had no earthly idea who I was supposed to be looking at. That way you can avoid having to say, “Uh, no, I’m the one in the middle,” after a lady has emailed you to say, “Are you the guy on the far right? You’re gorgeous! Let’s meet!”
    • Why are you showing me a picture of the Grand Canyon (or any other exotic location) with no humans in it? What does that have to do with the matter at hand? This isn’t facebook or flikr…don’t post your vacation pictures here.
    • Along those same lines, why are you showing me a picture of your (boat, car, truck, motorcycle)? Are you looking for a gold-digger?
    • If you’re athletic, I understand that you want to show that by posting photos of yourself doing…athletic things. But if you’re wearing a mask or a helmet, and the picture is taken from 50 yards away so that there is no earthly way to tell that it is you – why bother posting that picture of you skiing down Mt. Kilimanjaro or kayaking down Niagara Falls? The purpose of the match.com photograph is to show what you look like. If it could be any random person, why post it?
    • Last, but not least – am I the only one who gets annoyed when I see that someone has 5 pictures posted, only to find that all 5 pictures are the exact same pose where you take your own picture in the bathroom mirror? If they’re all essentially the same thing, just post one of them.

Like I said, that’s just my 2 cents after spending 3 months reading profiles. I don’t want to offend anyone who reads this and realizes that I’ve just described their profile to a T (ok, well, maybe I do just a little bit). Besides, what do I know…it’s not like my profile scored a lot of action either…lol…

~Jen

That picture pretty much sums up my match.com experience thus far. I’ve had a lot of “views” – many of them from men who are significantly older, significantly shorter or who live halfway across the country, or – winner! – some combination of the 3. Of the 16 or so who have “winked” at me (that lovely passive-aggressive way that match.com allows someone to say, “hey, I dig you, but only enough to click this wink button, not enough to actually take the steps to open up an email and introduce myself”), literally HALF of them no longer have active profiles, so even if I wanted to respond, I couldn’t.

I’ve actually gotten emails from a few brave souls. So far there have been one or two that I’ve conversed back and forth with a little – but nothing has progressed past that point. One seemed promising for a minute, but as soon as I posted a picture that showed me from the neck down, the emails stopped coming. Oh well, I never said I was a supermodel, boys…BUT…I’m 40 pounds lighter than I was 8 months ago, and next summer when I’m showing off my new bikini bod courtesy of a careful regimen of air, water, and Weight Watchers meals, well, you’re gonna be sorry you missed this train! lol…Ok, maybe you won’t be sorry, but I *am* going to get there.

Determined not to sit back and wait for my own destiny to knock on my door, I’ve even sent a few emails myself, learning several things in the process.

  1. Emailing someone to let them know you’re interested is *hard*. You’re putting yourself out there, knowing that someone on the other end is basically going to be pulling out their checklist of wants and desires to see how you measure up, and once you hit that “send” button, it’s out of your control. For a control freak like me – it sucks.
  2. Waiting for a reply also sucks. I’ve initiated maybe 4 or 5 emails so far to men who have caught my proverbial eye, and have yet to receive a single response from any of them. Not even a “no, thank you.” One of them wasn’t even an attempt at connecting. I said in the email that I didn’t think I met his criteria, but I wanted to let him know that he had a great smile and was sure he’d have no problem finding his match. No response whatsoever. If I received an email like that, I’d make sure to thank them for the compliment at the very least, if nothing else.
  3. The last thing that I’ve learned is that I am most likely trying to date out of my league. lol…as I’ve stated before, I’m no supermodel, so it’s unfortunate that I find myself attracted to tall, athletic, good-looking men. Ah well, you can’t help what you like, right?

If nothing else, my experiences thus far have given me a new appreciation for what men go through when they ask a woman out. It’s strengthened my resolve not to let an email go answered in my inbox, even if it’s only to say, “thank you so much for your interest, but I don’t think we’d make a good match.”

I’ve got 2 more months before my subscription runs out. I’ll let you know how it goes!

~Jen

No, that’s not a typo. I figure that to say this blog is the first of MANY would be presumptuous; while I intend to make my best efforts to post regularly, I don’t want to make any promises just yet. As I mentioned above, I am blond, and am therefore easily distracted by shiny things. We’ll see how it goes for now, ok?

A little about me:

  • I am left-handed…or at least, I write with my left hand. I hold the fork in my left hand, but use a knife with my right. I can bowl equally badly with either hand, but I throw, bat and golf as a rightie. I cannot, under any circumstances uses scissors with my left hand; the last time I tried, I literally cut my own finger.
  • I like to write. I am arrogant enough to think I do an ok job of it, but insecure enough to sop up compliments like a dry sponge. (hint, hint)
  • I’m currently in the process of trying to “pimp” myself out on match.com. I figure if nothing else, the experience should give me plenty of blogging material. (Yes, if you were looking for unruhe29, you found me!)
  • I once took an online IQ test while…under the influence. I scored 6 points higher than [someone else I know], who was completely sober. This pissed him off to no end, and made me laugh my ass off.
  • I get annoyed when I catch myself starting too many sentences with the same word. (See bullet points 1-4)

Well, that’s enough about me for now. I figure we’ll get to know each other even better as time goes by – I wouldn’t want to give it up all at once. Plus, no one’s actually reading this anyway, so why give myself carpal tunnel right out of the gate?

~ Jen