Help Wanted: Manspeak Translator

Left-handed, blond Capricorns Untie! is currently seeking a full-time, experienced translator for assistance in translating both written and verbal communications from men in the online dating community into language that can be easily understood by rational people (a.k.a. “women”).

Candidate should be fluent in Manspeak, and should have a minimum of 3-5 years experience deciphering just what the fuck men are talking about when they say things like, “I had a great time” and “we should do this again.”

As part of the application process, interested candidates should complete and submit their interpretation of the following scenario along with their salary requirements to (The job doesn’t actually pay anything, but I think it will be amusing to read your salary requirements.)

A man and a woman email back and forth for a couple of weeks, sometimes multiple times per day. They meet in person for the first time and spend 3 1/2 hours together having dinner, dessert and conversation. At the conclusion of the evening, the man tells the woman, “I had a good time. We should do this again.” What he really means is:

a) I had a good time. We should do this again sometime.
b) I want to have sex with you. Take off your clothes. Now.
c) I can’t stand you. We should never speak again.

Please select the letter that most closely resembles your answer, and explain – in essay form – why you believe this to be the correct answer.

11 thoughts on “Help Wanted: Manspeak Translator”

  1. OK, I might not be fluent in Manspeak, but you be the judge. First, “I had a good time” should clue you that he doesn’t really give a F whether you had a good time; in Manspeak, he is focused solely upon himself. This is caused by years of youthful masturbation, when the embryonic Male is slowly, but repeatedly, conditioned to focus on self-gratification. After all, despite youthful fantasies, no “woman,” let alone a prepubescent female, ever interrupted and took over the phallic manipulation to interrupt the self-satisfaction conditioning.
    Next, is translation of the statement, “we should do this again sometime.” Note the obvious: he is not stating that he will do this again sometime. Nor is he inviting you, “do you want to do this again sometime.” In Manspeak, he is simply recognizing the politeness of saying that it “should” be done again, without having any desire, let alone an intention or invitation, to actually do it again sometime. This is obvious from the actual words used in Manspeak. (The reason you can’t understand this is that “Womanspeak” consists of saying what you don’t mean, or saying something that requires a “magic decoder ring” to decipher. Hence, the obvious example, that when a man attempts to fondle, if not maul, a woman’s private parts, she will exclaim, “no,” when actually, she means, “I’m saying no so you can think I’m an impudent prude, but if you don’t keep rubbing your knee against my clit until I come, I’m gonna cut your balls off!”)
    As for “comepensation,” I do not request, nor need, any, for I voted for Barack Obama, and He will take care of my mortgage, cell phone, health insurance, food stamps, and every other thing I should do for myself but I willingly give up as I surrender my independence.

    • Jonathan, I think you may be on to something here. What then, do you think his reasoning could be for staying and talking for 3 1/2 hours? He was waiting for a cramp in the bottom of his foot to ease up, so that he could make it to the car without limping? Was what I interpreted as a nice evening of good conversation really just a product of dehydration and a potassium deficiency???

  2. I am not “jon shold,”so i have no clue why i posted this comment and his name came up. The left-handed blonde capricorn is intimately familiar with my degrading story of soiling my hanes in the north woods of maine. She is not familiar with my most recent degrading experience in the dark woods of the eastern shore, having ascended a tree stand at 430am, only to feel the urgencies of having consumed oyster stew the day before, Another pair of hanes are buried in an unmarked grave in the woods outside of Chestertown. Nice to see a posting Cappie! Sorry to hear you’re still frustrated in the male search department. Give me an address, and I’ll send a package of batteries for your faithful comepanion!!

    • That just goes to further prove my theory that nothing good ever happens (outside of the bedroom) at 4:30 am.

      I am also now concerned that you may, in fact, be some sort of a serial killer who leaves behind a pair of soiled tighty-whities as a calling-card with every victim. I’m on to you, mister!

      As for the batteries – make them rechargable, please. I like to think that I am saving the planet, one O at a time.

  3. Umm….I’m a little late chimin’ in here, but being fluent in Manspeak, the answer is obvious:

    He means (b). When he realizes that ain’t gonna happen, then he means (c).

    The First Law of Male Dating holds that if the heterosexual male has a palpable pulse, then his objective is to do you whenever and wherever he can. Anything he says or does, no matter how nice, or cute, or attractive, is calculated so as to increase his chances of achieving the objective. This explains answer (b).

    The Male Dating Acceptance Corollary explains the migration to answer (c). The Male Dating Acceptance Corollary holds that the male participant’s hostility rating (H), expressed as the dividend of Aggravation (A)/Patience (P); is inversely proportional to the degree of acceptance expressed by the woman to the prospect of sexual contact (S) at some point later that same evening.

    Therefore, it is to be expected that as S decreases, A increases, P decreases, resulting in a much higher H.

    The man therefore chooses (c) when he says (a) and doesn’t get (b). It is the natural order of things.

    • I love that you’ve reduced sex to a mathematical equation. Being a Capricorn, I can certainly get behind solving for X…or S…or H…or whatever. BUT…I fear that your Corollary is missing a variable somewhere, because the way it’s written, there is no explanation for receiving an answer of C when S increases as the evening progresses. The way I’m reading it, an increase in S should result in a decreased A, increased P, which would reduce H to a fraction of its former self, and finally wind up with a big fat O for all involved, right? But in this particular instance, the end result was still C.

      I think the only possible explanation is to take into account the fact that the Y chromosome is, in all actuality, a genetic defect, and thus cannot possibly be expected to react or behave in any rational way.

      • You’re good at this. But sex in and of itself is not mathematical. I was simply trying to reduce the primitive thought process of the male psyche to mathematical terms so that one can gain perspective.

        My corollary example presumed that S was DECREASING as the night went on, and that is what resulted in elevated H and an answer of (c). Unfortunately your original scenario didn’t account for whether S was a likely outcome on that first date after all the emails. As Jon Shold the Soiler points out, the Man is unable to decode Womanspeak, so the Man applies the Soiler Postulate of Extra-Orgasmic Probability, which holds that on any first date, a woman’s objective is to send the Man home with only a self-orgasmic result, if any at all. The Man applies this Postulate and reaches the natural conclusion that S will decrease, which as you correctly point out, increases A, reduces P, which increases the H ratio.

        The whole point of my post was to illustrate my candidacy for the Translator position, by correctly answering the qualifying scenario.

        I can assure you and your readers that my salary requirements in no way involve money…

        And yes, as one possessing a Y chromosome, I can agree that it is a genetic defect. But it’s what we DO with that defect that makes life so much fun!

  4. “I had a good time. We should do this again.” = “I had a good time. We should do this again.” If there’s anyone that needs translating, it’s women. Because if there is anyone that speaks in code or non-directly or subtly or in hints… it’s women. Not men. Except for when they invite you over to “watch a movie.” But it goes without saying that he wants to have sex with you. He’s a man.

    And I just saved you a whole lot of money.

  5. Having just followed the bread crumbs over from Match, and poked around a little, I had to reply to this question.

    I have used that phrase in the past and have meant the following:
    I enjoyed the evening and would not mind doing it again, but I don’t think a relationship is going to happen.
    I didn’t hate the evening, but don’t want to do it again, however, you seem insecure and I don’t want to deal with all the questions and hurt feelings that might come up if I say that.
    I had a good time and would love to do it again, but I’m not sure how you felt about it, so I’ll let you make the next approach.

    The times I think she is as interested as I am after a first date I say something along the lines of:
    I’d like to do this again, are you busy tomorrow? (Or some other free time)
    I’d like to do this again. but I can’t schedule is up in the air right now, can I call you?
    (why my schedule is up in the air would have come up in conversation durring the date)

    I would guess he had a pleasant time but his socks were not knocked off. First dates, no matter how much time you spend emailing back and forth, are the first job interviews of the dating realm. ‘I had a good time, we should do it again’ is the equivalent of passing the interview, but not getting the job offer right then. ie, not a complete mismatch but not exactly what was sought.

    I avoid dinners and movies for first dates. (even if you have emailed for weeks)
    Coffee with the option (unstated) for something else is a good choice. That way if it’s not working, you can each go on your way after the coffee is done, but if it’s working, you can continue the outing. For example, a coffee shop in Ellicott City where you can then browse the stores if things are going well and maybe have dinner later if things continue to go well, but can leave because you have to ‘go meet a friend’ if they are not.

    Experience has shown that it’s usually easier to just go straight to the coffee thing and see what happened. People have time to adjust their text as they are writing, so they come across very different in email than they do in person.

    As a side note.
    Crown381 points out, men are incapable of interpreting women-speak. Therefor things have to be spelled out clearly to them (Clearly in men speak not women speak because, as stated earlier, you might as well be speaking ancient Sumerian to them if you use women speak) If you were not throwing your clothes off and molesting him under the table with your foot, his interpretation of the evening could very likely be that you were not interested in him. (although being too forward could scare him off. The old ‘if it’s too good to be true’ saying) An interesting fact is that the more intelligent the man is the man is, the more likely he is to start with the assumption the sex is not going to happen on the date, making the blatant demonstrations all the more necessary. And based on your writings, I’m assuming you are intelegent and would end up corresponding to men of similar caliber.

    As for what went wrong….
    Could be any number of things. From as simple as you looked different in person than in pictures, to your pheromones and his didn’t click. (
    Or maybe the humor that comes across via email didn’t come across the same way in person. I don’t know.

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