I haven’t had any dates (good, bad or otherwise) or virtual altercations with anyone in a few days, which – while good for my sanity – doesn’t really help out when it’s time to come up with new blog material. As a result, I don’t have any good feature-length stories for you today. I do, however, have a couple of mini-stories that I shall string together and call it a blog. Enjoy.

  1. The Proposal

It all started with a 3-word message from a guy in Pompano Beach, Florida the other morning. It simply said, “You are awesome.” Well, hey, it’s about time someone recognized my awesomeness…the least I could do was check out his profile, right? I read it over, and found it to be mildly amusing, and his pictures were all fully-clothed with no extra appendages that I could make out. I figured, what the heck. Yes, sure, he lives in Florida, but hey, you never know.

[As a side note – it always makes me laugh when I see on a guy’s profile something to the effect of, “please be within a reasonable driving distance.” I want to email him and ask just what exactly he thinks the odds are that his soul mate lives within a 5 mile radius of his house. What if that one person that’s perfect for you lives on the other side of the country – or heck, on the other side of the world – would you not want to know him or her simply because it’s not convenient?]

So here’s how that conversation went:

FH (for Future Husband, of course): You are awesome
Me: And you are in Florida. Lol…how far is Pompano Beach from Cape Canaveral?  ~Jen
FH: 3,hours Jen please call me 555-555-5555 ~Bob
Me: Can’t right now, I’m on my way to work.
FH: Can you please text me
Me: What’s the rush? Are you stranded in a foreign country and in need of cash? Lol… I can’t text a lot at work, either. At least if I’m chatting on here it looks like I’m working on the computer. Lol …After hours I can chat or text, but if you don’t mind, I’d like to at least have a little conversation first so that I know I’m not giving my phone number out to a crazy person..unfortunately, I’ve made that mistake before.
FH: I am not a crazy person .I’m harmless. There is no rush .. but I do want to catch you .. (<—-exactly what a crazy person would say! And whaddya mean you want to “catch” me?)
Me: So, you’re not having much luck with the Florida girls, huh? How long have you been on here?
FH: One. Month .how about your self?
Me: About a week and a half. Hmm…some other guy in Pompano beach just looked at my profile, too…kinda weird, don’t you think? Someone you know? Lol
FH: No one I know lol..
Me: What are the odds? Is my name on a bathroom wall at the Denny’s there, or something?
FH: McDonald’s lol
FH: Jen I would like to meet you
Me: Do you come to Maryland often? lol
(And here it comes…..)
FH: Jen if you marry me I would move there
Me: Oh, well great, ’cause that’s not at all creepy. Can we maybe, oh, I dunno, meet once or twice before the wedding? Just for kicks?
FH: I would love to marry you
Me: Why? You don’t know anything about me.
FH: I know you’ll never cheat on me that’s all I need to know
 

I must just have one of “those” faces, for him to know that without ever meeting me. He messaged me again later in the day, asking me to call him, which I ignored. His account has since been deleted.

  1. The Prevaricator

There’s not really much of a story to this one. I am mostly just marveling at the large number of younger guys who message me on this site. I am 43. The a-hole from the other day was 33. I’ve even gotten messages from kids in their early 20’s. And yes, I can call them kids, because I have a 20 year old daughter. So there.

Today I got an email from a 31-year-old telling me, “Hey…So i am gonna be honest. I think you are beautiful and i like your profile. I really would like to get to know you. Perhaps we can chat and meet for coffee? Talk soon.” I don’t know about you, but when someone feels the need to tell me they’re being honest, my bullshit meter kicks into high gear. If you’re an honest person, you don’t have to announce it every time you speak.

  1. The Proposition

And last but not least…I got this charming message last night:

3SM (figure it out): would you be interested in having some good fun with a couple? if so let us know ttyl btw we do have pics of us too
Me: So what you’re telling me is that there are TWO of you who didn’t bother to actually read my profile. Thanks, but no. 
 

Can’t wait to see what tomorrow will bring! Maybe someone who wants to wear an animal costume and pee on my leg. That would be different.

 

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