Today, boys and girls, we are going to talk about a very important subject: bathroom etiquette. What exactly does this mean, you ask? Well, let’s break it down. “Bathroom,” as we all know, is Greek for the “room where men go to read and women go to socialize.” The word “etiquette” comes from the French word “etiquette,” which can be translated to read, “if you pee on the toilet seat, for crying out loud, wipe it up!”
First things first, let’s all just get over the odor issue. It may be a newsflash to some, but everyone poops. No exceptions. In fact, there was a Pulitzer Prize-winning novel written on just that subject. If you’d like to do further research, you can find it here: Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi and Amanda Mayer Stinchecum. (If you enjoy that one, you should also check out their follow-up: The Gas We Pass: The Story of Farts. That one topped the New York Times Bestseller List for 15 consecutive weeks in 1998.) Once you are able to accept that every human being on the planet “makes doodie” on a (hopefully) regular basis, you must then also know this fact: It all smells like shit. Again, no exceptions. Yours does not smell any better than anyone else’s. For that reason, I say we all get over it. Enough with the loudly uttered “Ugh!” when you enter a restroom whose smell isn’t quite up to par. Do you think the poor soul trapped in the stall still desperately needing to finish what they were doing before you so rudely interrupted but killing themselves to hold it in until you finish your business and leave the room is enjoying this? Which do you think is worse, a little stink or the gut wrenching cramps caused by halting a poop-in-progress?
Now, on to the real issue…
Just when exactly did it become socially acceptable to urinate all over the toilet seat in a public restroom and then leave it there like a little golden gift for the next person to use the bathroom? And along a similar vein, when did it become a relief to find that it’s “only a little pee” on the seat and not something worse? It just makes no sense. On your hotel pillow, you might find chocolate. On your toilet seat, well, that’s not chocolate baby!
I bring up this entire subject because I spent my evening tonight creating a sign in Microsoft Publisher. Tomorrow I will print two copies of that sign, laminate them, and hang them on the inside of the bathroom doors at work. Why? Because I am sick and tired of wiping other people’s DNA off of the toilet seats.
Don’t think that I am male-bashing either. I work with exactly 1 man and 40-some women, so unless that guy has some sort of urinary tract infection, this problem crops up way too frequently for it to be all his doing.
Look girls, I know that a lot of people are leery of placing their naked buttocks directly on the toilet seat, fearing that they might catch the Ebola virus or the Bird Flu or some equally fun ailment. I get that. BUT…if you insist on doing the straddling/balancing/pee-running-down-your-leg-because-once-the-stream-hits-flesh-that’s-it thing, then at least have the decency to wipe your mess up before you leave the room. It’s called common courtesy.
Just in case you’re confused, the word “courtesy” is defined by the 2006 Unabridged Miriam-Webster Dictionary as “a way of behavior to ensure one does not get their ass kicked by ticked-off and grossed-out bathroom-goers.” And just so we’re clear, this whole concept of cleaning up after oneself refers not only to tinkle sprinkle…it’s good for anything you might leave behind on that toilet seat with the exception of a $50 bill. If I can run a DNA test on it and find out who you are, you should *not* be leaving it on the toilet seat. Don’t think I won’t do it, either.