Bill Me Never (The Dragon Chronicles, Part II)

If you’ve ever purchased anything online – especially from Ebay – you may have heard of Bill Me Later. It’s a service offered by PayPal where they basically extend you credit for your online purchases, and quite literally bill you later for them. I suppose if someone doesn’t have a credit card, this might be useful, but as I do, I’ve never had occasion to use this service.

When I recently purchased a Christmas present for my daughter on ebay (see The Dragon Chronicles), I noticed an ad for a special being run by Bill Me Later to drum up business. They were offering a $10 credit for first time users, as well as 6 months to pay with no finance charges. As this would reduce the price of my daughter’s gift from $26 to $16, I figured, why the heck not? I’d buy it through Bill Me Later, and pay it off as soon as I got the statement.

A few days after making the purchase, I received an email telling me that my Bill Me Later statement was ready for viewing. I logged on to the website only to find that it still said my balance was zero. I checked again the next day, to the same result. Figuring something must be wrong, I used the “Contact Us” link on the website to email Customer Service. Here is the reply I received a day or two later:

Dear JENNIFER:

We have received your inquiry regarding your Bill Me Later account.  We appreciate this opportunity to serve you.

You have more than one account.  We have found two accounts linked to you.  We understand this may not have been your intent.  Multiple accounts can sometimes be created when information entered for a transaction does not match your existing account profile.    You have the ability to consolidate the following accounts ending in:  xxxx and yyyy.

The consolidation of your accounts can take 1-2 billing cycles to complete.  If you would like these accounts consolidated, please call us or contact us using the secure email form located in the Contact Us area of our website.

Sincerely,

Jill P.
Bill Me Later Customer Care

Oh. Ok. These things happen. I followed their direction and used the secure email form on the website to send the required email to take care of the issue:

I recently contacted your customer service department after receiving an email that my statement was ready, but when I logged on to the website, it said my account balance was zero. I was told that somehow there are now 2 accounts linked to me. I have not been able to figure out how to get into the account that has the balance on it so that it can be paid.

Can these two accounts please be consolidated so that I can access my balance? I understand that consolidating these accounts can take 1-2 billing cycles – how can I ensure that I will be able to access the account with the balance on it before the payment is due? Thank you!

Imagine my surprise when I received this reply email the next day:

Dear JENNIFER:

We have received your inquiry regarding your Bill Me Later account.  We appreciate this opportunity to serve you.

It appears that you have more than one account.  We have found two accounts linked to you.  We understand this may not have been your intent.  Multiple accounts can sometimes be created when information entered for a transaction does not match your existing account profile.  You have the ability to consolidate the following accounts ending in:  xxxx and yyyy.

The consolidation of your accounts can take 1-2 billing cycles to complete. If you would like these accounts consolidated please call us or contact us using the secure email form located in the Contact Us area of our website.

Sincerely,

Charlie C.
Bill Me Later Customer Care

Um…can we say deja vu, anyone? I’m starting to suspect that maybe, just MAYBE the Customer Service staff at Bill Me Later has been taken over by auto-replying pod people. I know at this point, the logical thing to do would be to pick up the phone and call them, but, well, now it’s like a challenge to get an actual human being to reply to an email. I once again logged on to the website and fired off an email to Customer Service (and please keep in mind, I’m paraphrasing here):

Dear Bill Me Later Pod-People,

CONSOLIDATE MY TWO ACCOUNTS NOW, FOR GOD’S SAKE, SO I CAN PAY MY FREAKING BILL! IF I HAVE TO WRITE TO YOU A FOURTH TIME, I WILL DRIVE TO YOUR CORPORATE OFFICE WITH AN AK-47!

Thank you for your consideration,

Jen

My email must’ve gotten lost in cyber-space, because a week went by and I did not receive a response. Finally, I picked up the phone and called the customer service number. As is customary nowadays, I was thrown into the nightmare that is their automated telephone system. The genius that set up this system decided it would be a good idea for callers to have to input their 16-digit account numbers before allowing them to get any further into the call. This would be great – if I actually KNEW my 16-digit account number.

I tried just hitting the # key, thinking that maybe it would give me an option to proceed without knowing my account number, but it just kept asking for it, over and over and over…Finally, I hung up and logged on to the website to try and find the number. No such luck.

Eventually I re-read one of the emails sent to me by the pod-people, and it was there that I discovered that you can find your account number on your Bill Me Later statement. That would be fabulous…except for the fact that the whole reason I was trying to contact them in the first place was because I NEVER RECEIVED A STATEMENT.

Long story just a little bit longer, and a whole lot more anti-climactic: I called the number back, obnoxiously punching the “O” key until a human being eventually answered the phone. I explained the problem, they said they would fix it, and I hung up. I waited a few days, and finally logged back into the website this evening to find that my account was finally showing a balance due – and miracle of miracles, it was the right amount, too!

What’s the moral of this story? Hell if I know…you tell me!

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