I’m going to France in 4 days. Really. I’m going to climb inside a big-ass airplane on Friday evening, sit in my seat quietly freaking out for 7 or 8 hours as we fly over the Atlantic Ocean, and when I peel myself out of my chair early Saturday morning, I’ll be in Paris. There are probably 157 things I could be doing right now to get ready, and instead, I’m sitting here pondering screen names. Specifically, I’m wondering just what goes through some men’s minds when they are choosing their dating site screen name.

When I need to assign myself a screen name on a website, I typically have two that are my “go-to” names. The name that I use here on WordPress is Unruhe29. I chose it for a couple of reasons:

  1. Unruhe was the title of an X-files episode (and I do love me some X-Files!)
  2. The word “unruhe” is German for “unruly” or “unrest”. For whatever reason, I was feeling unruly and restless at the time I first decided to use it, so it seemed appropriate

As for the “29”, that’s probably how old I was the first time I made that my screen name somewhere…I believe it may have been on AOL Instant Messenger.

My other frequently used screen name is Eight6753oh9. To the untrained eye, that may just look like a mess of numbers, however, if you grew up in the 80’s as I did, you may remember a certain one-hit-wonder named Tommy TuTone, who sang about a girl whose name and number he found written on a bathroom wall. Her name was Jenny, and her number was 867-5309.

Maybe it’s just me, but when I’m looking at dating profiles, I will completely bypass someone if I don’t like the screen name they’ve chosen. Most of the time, this is because their name blatantly references sex or is just downright crude. Now, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy sex just as much as the next person, and I’m far from a prude (in fact, wherever Mr. Right may be right now, I sure hope he’s taking his vitamins – otherwise I may just be the death of him one day), but there’s just something about a guy calling himself “69Woody4u” that turns me right off. Even if they come right out and say in their profile that they’re looking for something long term, I’ve already gotten it in my head that “this guy is just out to get laid” and there’s no shaking that thought once it’s in there.

So in an effort to help educate my fellow man in the ways that a woman thinks, I’m going to tell you about a few of the screen names I’ve come across in my travels, and explain exactly why I wouldn’t approach someone with that name.

  • mywordislaw – Now, most likely the guy who came up with this one is an attorney, however, the first thing I think when I read it is, “wife beater”.
  • ladyinred1234 – Your screen name is supposed to describe YOU. If I see one that says “ladyinred,” I’d assume you’re A LADY. Same goes for any screen name that contains a woman’s name. I saw one the other day that was supposedly a guy, but the screen name was Alicia2468. I don’t know too many guys named Alicia.
  • any name with the number 69 mixed in – You’re a guy. You like sex. I get it. Really. I don’t need you to beat me over the head with your penis. If you’re sincere about trying to find a meaningful relationship with someone, try pulling your head out of your pants for a minute and focus on something else. If the very first thing I read about you is a sexual reference, I’m going to think that’s all you’re looking for, and I’m going to move on.
  • any name with the number 420 in it – I know what that means, pothead.
  • bend4me – I just saw this one today. I see that and think that this guy either wants a chick he can walk all over, or a gymnast. Either way, I’m not his girl.
  • cumaboard – Sorry, but I don’t want to think about you ejaculating when I haven’t even met you yet. There’s a time and a place, boys…a time and a place.

Tune in tomorrow, and I’ll tell you what else you’re doing wrong on your profile. 😉

~Eight6753oh9