Match.com is almost Match.gone…

Ok, so apparently I haven’t blogged since October. My bad. Uh…I’ve been busy?

Yeah, I know, that’s no excuse. As I recently told someone who tried the “I’m busy” line on me, “If you’re interested and want to keep the connection going, you would make the time, busy or no, even if it’s just a quick email or text to say hello. The more likely answer is that you’re just not that into me.” So there you have it, Reader, I guess I’m just not that into you.

Or maybe I’m just too damned lazy to blog.        <—-Folks, I think we have a winner!

Anyway…

As you may recall, match.com rewards those not fortunate enough to meet someone on their site in 6 months with…wait for it…6 more free months on their site. Yay! I happen to be one of these unlucky souls, and am currently in month 5 of my free 6 months. Thankfully, my year of torture will be up in June, and I can go back to ramming my shopping cart into unsuspecting men in the produce section of the grocery store to try and score dates. It has to be easier than this.

I pretty much figured out awhile ago that my ideal man wouldn’t be caught dead on an online dating site anyway – oh no, he’s much too busy being a decorated Navy SEAL by day, and saving puppies and kittens from burning buildings in his spare time…that is, when he’s not playing his guitar and singing me soulful love songs (hey, this is my fantasy, so just let me have it, will you?)…so, my profiles of late have taken a decidedly sarcastic turn, as I don’t really care at this point whether they generate any interest or not.

None of my friends really cared for my last profile all that much, which started out something like, “43-year-old bitter, sexless drama queen seeks angry, uptight a-hole for romantic, moonlit walks in the graveyard interspersed with drunken bouts of domestic violence,” and went from there, so I’ve decided to make them all happy, and upload a rewrite. Let me know what you think:

Ok guys, who’s up for a little pre-screening quiz? Please submit your answers to the questions below via email, so that I can get to know a little bit about you and the kind of partner you will be. Feel free to ask any questions that you may have as well. *Bonus points if your answers can make me snort my beverage out my nose.*

1. When it comes to sex, what is your “motto”?

a. “Every man for himself”
b. “Fake it ‘til you make it”
c. “Ladies first”
d. Other: ___________

2. What is your favorite movie genre?

a. Boring Foreign Films – the more subtitles the better!
b. Action/Adventure
c. Porn
d. Other:___________

3. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why?

a. The ability to see through clothing – for obvious reasons
b. The ability to make women undress with the power of my mind – again, for obvious reasons
c.  Invisibility – this one’s not too difficult to figure out, either
d. Other:___________

4. In the event of a Zombie Apocalypse, I need to know that you’d make a valuable addition to my group. What would you consider to be your most impressive survival skill?

a. I can take out a zombie from 20 yards with nothing more than a rubberband and banana
b. I would fight to the death to protect you from the other post-apocalyptic survivors who are desperate to steal our supplies
c. I have a 10-year supply of liquor, chocolate and condoms stored in my basement that I’d be willing to share with just the right person
d. Other:___________

5. You wake up one Sunday morning to find a large, multi-legged insect clinging to the ceiling directly over our bed. You would:

a. Quickly and quietly slip from the room without waking me, leaving me to fend for myself
b. Shriek like a little girl and pull the covers over your head, begging and pleading with me to “SAVE ME FROM THE MONSTER!”
c. Carry me to safety before returning to the room to slay the demon
d. Other:___________

6. Our favorite TV shows air on the same day of the week, at the same time. We’re on our way out for the evening when we realize there is only enough room on   the DVR to record one of the shows. Whose show should be the one to get recorded?

a. We’ll flip a coin – it’s only fair
b. You would graciously offer to record my show, saying that it’s not a big deal, and you’ll catch yours on a re-run, knowing this would score you points and you’d probably get lucky later. Meanwhile, you surreptitiously watch your show on your iphone during dinner, hoping I don’t notice
c. You fake an illness at the last minute, so that you can stay home and watch your show while mine records.
d. Other:____________

7. Please complete the following phrases IN YOUR OWN WORDS:

a. A bird in the hand is worth __________
b. Don’t put all your eggs __________
c. Give a man enough rope ___________
d. If at first you don’t succeed, __________
e. It ain’t over ‘til __________

***********************
Someone recently told me that he got the impression I’m happy with my life the way it is, and that we wouldn’t make a good romantic match because of it. It appears that in my effort to not come across as desperate, needy and lonely, which I think would be a turn-off for anyone, I instead came across as not wanting the changes that someone new would bring. While it’s true that my life is pretty quiet at the moment, that’s mostly because I am lacking a partner to get out there and do the fun things with. I mean, who wants to go cow tipping alone? Those things are heavy! My point is, while I’m not deliriously happy at the moment, I’m content, and willing to wait for the right person. He doesn’t have to be perfect, he just has to be perfect for me. Send me an email, and let’s see…

So there you have it. My latest match.com masterpiece. So far all it’s gotten me is an instant message from some idiot in DC who wanted me to drive down there and have sex with him. I mean, for God’s sake, if you’re going to proposition me, at least be a gentleman and offer to meet me halfway.